I think, just thinking back, these last few months, ive learned something. They’ve always said its good to be vulnerable to others, to let them know your struggles. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately internally, and just figuring out who I am. But I think in being vulnerable, I may have worn out some of the people who really care for me. They’re probably tired of me talking about my struggles that its almost become like complaint to them. I pray that they can forgive me and let me start on a new slate. I think I may have to just think through things myself.
There are some days where I legitly hate hanging out with people. ( I’m guessing this is when I’m in a bad mood. I feel like I can’t be everywhere at once ! So then it gets really frusterating for me. Because people always expect me to go where they are. Why can’t they come where I am for once ? I know it sounds really selfish but honestly why can’t people just come find me, since they’re the one who wants to hang out with me.
Ive been trying to get my devos done in the morning on the metro since I have an hour. But sometimes, Its unfortunate because I can’t get a seat on the metro, and its kind of hard to do devos while standing up. But what happens when I go back to school ? Where and when will I squeeze in time to do devos ? We slave after academia, but what happens to our little time of offering. How can we glorify God with everything including academics ? Ive heard a lot of controversy on pleasing God with Academics
See yesterdays post. For some reason, my longing for you grows stronger and stronger yet. Is it because of my fear of rejection by the world ? Or is it my true natural human intimacy to be with someone, to know that he will protect me and hold me close always and never leave me.
I think I fear that you dont’ exist. That a sexy hot guy like you can’t exist in fear of God. That everybody was right and that I’m holding back myself for nothing. Just what if they’re right. That this blog post that I write to you almost every day will never be read by you, but just me and my nine dogs. I’m sorry I’m being so pessimistic. But I guess I’m tired of the world telling me that you don’t exsisti and you know how when you hear something over and over, you start to believe that its true ?
Maybe today wasn’t my best day. I’ll see if I can write a more optimistic post tomorrow.
I wrote this on my tumblr. Its been things I’ve been struggling with. Its generic, but I’ve really been struggling with you. By the age of 20, a girl can’t help but wonder if shes beautiful enough to the world. She tries really hard not to ,but she gains her acceptance and idendity through the worlds approval. And by the world’s approval, it means having a boyfriend. It means wearing make up all the time. IT means not doing things society thinks is shame able. . It doesn’t mean holding and guarding your heart for the one true and righteous. So I’ve been waiting for you. But it hasn’t been a picnic every day either. My heart yearns to know who you are stronger and stroneg each day. But i Have to learn to trust in God and find my idendity in him.
I thought I had it all planned out before going to college. I was going to achieve this by this date and obtain this by this date .Looking back at the last two years, I have to laugh.I have a whole page in my diary listing all of the things I was going to accomplish. And guess what ? I’ve accomplished NONE of the things I planned and plotted to do.Surprisingly I’m okay with that for the first time in my life. Instead, I’ve accomplished more. But all of these things were things I would have never dreamed would have happened to me /accomplish.
I still struggle with waiting patiently for a few things to come along that I think I’m entitled to by the age of 20. But looking back, I’ve realized that I’ve been given a lot of blessings that I’ve taken for granted.
Instead of wanting certain things in life to move along faster, why not just let God write my story ? His story is infintely much more creative than what i thought i wanted or needed to have by the age of 20. So while I patiently wait for whats to come, I’m going to enjoy every moment of it. Instead of defining myself based on what I accomplish or what I have or don’t have, I’ve found myself , I’ve found my idendity in Christ. No more shall I try and fill my empty voids with shallow attempts of accomplishments.
So I decided to be stalkerish and look up a couple I knew that was getting married like yesterday. On google, I came across something the bride said, that I think is very very true:
“First and foremost, your relationship with God has to take priority over your relationship with the other person, . I quickly realized that when my relationship with God is suffering, our relationship suffers.”
How important is God in our relationship ? Is he at the center of our relationship ?
He said that he liked her because of her heart for God. I can only pray that would be a good motivation for you to pursue me and me to pursue you.
Today’s weather was beautiful. I wish you were here to share it with me. As I sat outside Daddy’s office waiting for him I was re-reading scripture and of Gods promise to us. He will never forsake us. How splendid I felt when I remembered that God is a god that will never forsake us.